curvylou

textiles · exploration · misadventure

On Art and Self Doubt: Naked Morning

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Abstract painting of pink poppies with orange, yellow, white background.

I’m typing naked, an exercise in “wildness”. It’s not really doing it for me. I used to work as a massage therapist at Osento, a bathhouse for women in the Mission, where nudity was the norm. I’ve seen thousands of naked female bodies, and been naked myself, for hundreds of hours. It feels pretty normal.

Wildness, though, has come up in recovery, in therapy, in my writing program at SF State. For me, it’s a state of mind not a state of body.*

One exercise (from Eric Maisel’s Fearless Creating) asks us to draw four pictures of our own “wild faces.” I can’t draw to save my life, so I sought images that reverberate for me.

Sharing this feels very personal, and I debated doing it. But I want these articles to be a record for myself, so here goes.

1

A huge, excited, outward, social flinging, orbiting exciting people and ideas, desiring to be a center. Gets to feel overblown, impossible, too many expectations to handle, and swings into…

2

…depression and self-isolation, sometimes mild, sometimes not, like this past September.

I have always struggled with relationships. In alcoholism I did it unconsciously. In recovery and therapy, I learned that I need people, that allowing oneself to need and be needed is good for us, and that trying to help others get their needs met is how we show love.

It’s like Lesson Three of being a human being, I know, but when I drank my mantra was “I can do it myself,” and I went about my life emotionally alone. Admitting my need for other humans, my need for touch and attachment, was hard. I thought it was easier to stand strong against pain when I didn’t have any soft spots to weaken me.

Maybe now I understand that the soft spots are like the rollers under tall buildings in earthquake country, the soft spots that absorb the shock and keep us standing. It’s good, in this moment, to be reminded of these things. I’m not sure I think of them enough.


3

Outer glory, being outside, dirty, sweaty, digging, planting, mulching, harvesting, pruning, walking, doing, making, getting rained on, forgetting time, getting sunburned, developing blisters, leaping into the creek, drying in the sun, resting, sitting in shade, drinking water, getting dirty again, going again, accomplishing something.

It’s as if some part of me comes more alive. I think more clearly, I recognize priorities, I think through, I plan. I also tune out, stop worrying, enjoy being in my body. And I don’t think I do this nearly often enough.


Extremem closeup on orange poppy, purple center.

“Poppy” by Joanne Clapp Fullagar. Used with permission.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4

Inner glory. The feeling inside of me I’ve called “god” since I got sober. The sinking into self and glowing, feeling strength, aliveness, excitement, sheer energy, drive to do, desire to create, yearning for a home, reaching for what’s just out of reach, stretching my abilities, wanting to be more, feeling I can be. Satisfaction.

I felt this when I was young, and called it “the magic.” I lost it in alcoholism, and rediscovered it in sobriety, in AA, when I was working the steps and searching for a “god of my own understanding.”

It’s hard for me to feel these things where I live right now, because I don’t feel safe. I mean, I’m physically safe, but the environment is untrustworthy.

I live in a giant cello, the walls vibrate and transmit every sound. Anything from my neighbors getting ready for bed to the most disruptive bullshit can come through the walls at any time, disturbing thought, disturbing sleep.

It’s distressing because it’s noisy, but also because I want to be on good terms with my neighbors. I understand that they’re human, doing human things, socializing, having friends over to celebrate. But they drive me batshit.

Writing about these feelings is disturbing in itself, which I suppose is the point. What makes us feel what we need to feel in order to be creative? Are we getting that? I’m not sure I am, but then I wonder if that’s just me being my cantankerous self, if the grass is really greener in Scotland or Chico or Coarsegold, or some other place I haven’t dreamed of moving yet.

Wherever I go, there I am, and same limits of time and body apply to me as they would in San Francisco.

 
 
 

*Clarissa Pinkola Estés wrote an interesting book on women and inner wildness, called Women Who Run with the Wolves. Highly recommended. May have another go at it myself.

For a full list of all articles on art and self doubt, look here. At this point, the list is short.

Image Credits:
Painting, Patchwork Poppies, by my college roommate, Brenda Higginson. Brenda, your work has always stunned and moved me. I’m privileged to own two of your paintings. They make me very happy.
Photograph: Of Patchwork Poppies and granny squares, by curvylou.

10 thoughts on “On Art and Self Doubt: Naked Morning

  1. All my life I’ve felt a lot of the same ways you did. Especially your 1st 3 parts. I just have never known how to recognize it or put it into words. I’ve never quite made it to part 4, since dad died. I’ve always been stuck. You and me. There’s a reason we are tightly bonded. We are the same.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Wend—I feel like this blog is helping us to show new and different parts of ourselves to each other, bringing us closer, and that makes me really happy. I’m glad that parts of this post are reverberating for you and making sense to you. I think when feelings can finally be put into words, it’s easier to act on them, explore them, expand them. The 4th thing is hard to get to. So many things can get in the way. Like dad.
      and ps: I miss you guys!

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      • I feel like every time we get together I get to know you a little better. There were so many missing years. I love you more than life, dear dear cohort to my evil teen years!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The only difference is the alcohol

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  3. Such introspection. You have thought so many things out, and I admire your journey.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Dawnliz. I think some of it comes out during the actual writing of the post. Fifteen years of (super intense) therapy have also taught me to value this kind of introspection, and to believe that it actually leads somewhere, that with more understanding, I feel and act differently from what I would have without it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh, Lou! Every time I read your posts, I feel a resonance and a yearning. Four sounds lovely. I suspect I’ll have to give up not needing other humans to feel that.

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    • Ella, you make me feel good. I’m so glad my posts have that affect on you. I know you are creative, you want to write, and you do it well, you have these things inside you too. #4 is sneaky. It poked its head up for years before I paid attention to it. Little glimmers of passion or joy. Now that I know it’s there, I try to cultivate it. I don’t think you need to give up not needing other humans in order to start paying attention to it. In fact, it might be a road you take, into letting yourself need again. Letting oneself need others is something I could have a long conversation about. It’s rough stuff for a lot of us, and usually has a long backstory.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Interesting idea: write my way back into life. Your creativity, your passion, is such an inspiration. Who knew you could go for a hike and find multiple plants for dyeing your lovely textiles. Two levels of cultivation, there!

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